August 18, 2016
I am a 25 year old man. Let’s backup. Apparently, I exhibited what my parents perceived as gay mannerisms because they shipped me off to military school when I was five years old. They were right. I was and still am gay, but military school didn’t change that. Don’t get me wrong I liked the order and regimentation of military school but looking back on it I am sure that I was deprived of oxytocin in my formative years. Let me tell you, there was no oxytocin flowing in our huge dorm with 30 beds or their Nazi marching drills. And, it’s not like I could come home for a big dose of mother’s love because in the 13 years I was there they only brought me home for three visits during Christmas leave.
I had my first love affair when I was 18 years old. Patrick was a cool guy, hot, handsome, masculine and very sweet. I did not think he was into guys when I met him. He was 24 and a corporal in the army. Though incredibly attracted to him I actually grew to love him very much, and he seemed to like me back. He was redeployed to Iraq where he was killed by a car bomb. As I write this my eyes are swelling again.
I mourned for about two years, eventually loading my phone with the Grindr dating app. Grindr guys date at such an accelerated rate! I have to say that Grindr guys come off as unwilling or incapable of maintaining a substantive emotional relationship. They flip through each other like baseball cards. It is not just a gay thing; my straight guy friends do the same thing with girls on OKCupid.
Am I nuts to think I will not ever find “It” again? I know I am fishing in polluted waters by being on Grindr or Adam4Adam but maybe it has more to do with me than I know. Could i be the one who doesn’t have any oxytocin because I never got oxytocin in the formative years at military school?
I don’t want to sound like a buzz kill here. My life is pretty good. I am enrolled in nursing school, I have a great part-time job with great colleagues and I am culturing a relationship with my mother, a woman who cannot be described as Mrs. Oxytocin. My mom even recently asked me why I seemed so somber. I told her that I didn’t know because I am not able to tell her that “I WANT A BOYFRIEND!”
Oh, I neglected to mention that Mom and stepdad rejected me when I told them that I was gay and the countless thousands of dollars they spent on military school was a total failure. If anything, being around all of those hot guys in military uniforms just sealed the deal.
I still live at home, paying my share of the rent, but bringing a boyfriend through the door is not an option. My Mom is Protestant Evangelical devoted so “this gay thing” (as she terms it), is totally out of her wheelhouse. I kind of feel sorry for her but she made her life decisions years ago and I have no control over that. I’ve been to one on one counseling and group therapy, which helped, but I am afraid something deep inside me changed forever.
I am only 25 years old and yet I feel 52. Hell, 52 year old gay men probably feel more than me. My life is emotionally boring. I do not mean to sound ungrateful. I love nursing school, I love medicine, and I donate one day a week to Cedar Sinai Hospital here in Los Angeles. I love helping people but it’s like I have lost the love switch or something. I know that you have to give love to get love. Guys like me. And, some even tell me they love me. But, honestly, I don’t trust that they are telling me the truth. Guys are just horn dogs and will say anything to get into your Calvin’s. Maybe my oxytocin needs a boost? Is trust my issue? Maybe this oxytocin Xxcelerator will help me? Help!
Thank you for listening.
Los Angeles, CA