Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris and All the Oxytocin in the Sea

June 24, 2011

Poor Hef! The word on the streets of Holmby Hills is that Hugh Hefner, contrary to what he said about being happy about being single again, is honestly depressed about being dumped by his 25 year old fiancée Crystal Harris 5 days before their wedding and is said to be wandering listlessly about the Playboy manse in pajamas and robe. Wait, aren’t robes and PJ’s the very same attire Hef wears when throwing his over the top pajama parties? Hemm, the pain of being left almost at the altar is inevitable, but isn’t the suffering optional? Misery loves company, Hef, maybe you shouldn’t get dressed at all. Maybe you should just lay around your sumptuous bedroom, the one recently featured in Architectural Digest, with a remote control in your hand, watching Julia Roberts In Run Away Bride gallop over hill and dale to escape her fiancé. You always did say you took all of your important personal lessons from the movies. That you grew up to be a man under the sole guidance of classic Hollywood films. Your current emotional fiasco is a classic of life imitating art.

Let’s hit pause. Whether you are an aging Lothario or a young broke whippersnapper hopelessly in love with some hot girl on Facebook that actually acknowledged you once, being dumped is never fun. In an effort to shake you out of a “situational depression” I have prepared a question for you to ask yourself. Who knows, it may even ease the pain of your loss. 

Do you really miss Crystal, or, maybe you only miss who you thought she was? Who she thought she was, at least for you. Hello? Hugh, you are what, 85? At 25 Chrystal is somewhere between your two youngest children. I know, I know, you’re rich and she’s beautiful and that”s the way the world spins but still, there isn’t enough oxytocin in the ocean to keep a woman like her home in Holmby hills with a man too old to drive. Look at her, she is beyond gorgeous and has the whole rest of her life ahead of her. You have what, one fifteenth at best? Moreover, you don’t become a girl like Crystal without being a narcissist and narcissists are insatiable. Insatiable for everything, attention, money, attention . . . did I say attention? Why else would Crystal fire up the Bentley you bought her and scoot to a pool party in Vegas, her ring finger still adorned with that $90.000 engagement ring you bought her?

If the love you shared with Crystal was at all real, then the pain isn’t going to immediately go away. That, my man, is going to take time and distance. And, as a man who has been married and divorced three times, you well know that romantic connections diminish with time. You will heal, Hef, probably on the heels of your next Playboy centerfold. Yes, breaking up hurts, and it’s always paired with cycles of sadness, hurt, anger, betrayal, rejection . . .  just don’t try to run from your pain. Attempting to run past your emotions like Crystal did the alter is ill advised. It will only linger longer! Take some oxytocin. Even though it is the love and bonding hormone it will also render you a more empathetic man, capable of realizing that you are not the center of the universe, that Crystal was probably just following her own fundamentally sound intuition and is saving you from even more heartache down the road.